Abigail Adams had it a lot harder than I did

The doctor drove the wagon to the front of their house. Lying in the back was a man dying of small pox with sores all over his body. She had her five children waiting. For each of them, the doctor cut their skin with a knife that didn't seem any cleaner than a kitchen knife. Inside this cut he placed a small bit of skin that was taken from the sores of the man lying in the wagon.

It may be a fictional account but this was what I was horrified by watching the miniseries John Adams. Abigail Adams was a brave woman to expose herself and her children to a small specimen of this live illness in the hopes that it would help to protect them. The risk was that they would die because their bodies could not fight it. How far science has come that we only have to stand in line for awhile to have a dead virus, one that can not actually cause the illness itself, injected quickly and safely into our children to protect them.

The whole process was harder on me because I was afraid that she would cry. I gave her a does of Tylenol before we left and I can honestly say that except for two short wimpers, Sweet One has been acting like her normal self. Actually, she's been easier to deal with than she was for a good part of today.

Tomorrow I will be taking my daughter to get the swine flu vaccine. Fortunately for me, our pediatrics clinic gives the preservative free version to all children under the age of 3. Despite the fact that thimerosal has been deemed safe, if the option is there to not take the chance, why bother? This is the stance the clinic takes.

Choosing to vaccinate is a little scary. There is so much fear with vaccines in general. We have given her all her vaccines to date and she has been just fine with them. I am hoping this one will be the same case. I have been watching as many segments on tv as I can find, reading online and listening to others talk about the challenges of making this decision. For me and my husband, we firmly believe that the risk of not vaccinating and the potential complications for a child our daughter's age is not worth the risk. From what I have learned, the vaccine has been made the same way that the seasonal flu shot has been for years.

I still get nervous about taking her to get her vaccines but it is not because I believe they are going to give her autism, it is because I know that it fucking hurts. She screams at first and then she cries. What mother wants to put her child through that? I take comfort in knowing that I do not remember my vaccines from when I was that small. And I take comfort in believing that they are doing what they are meant to do. Will I get the swine flu vaccine? As the pediatrician said, if there are enough and I can actually get your hands on one!

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As I think about this more, I'm starting to believe that the panic and frenzy found in the media is moreso the reaction of the public to a new virus that is not fully understood. Choosing whether or not to vaccine gives us a sense of control. There are so many things in this world that we have absolutely no control over. When the opportunity arises, I know I will leap at the chance to feel like I have the ability to protect my daugther. Regardless of which way I choose.

Pop Tarts, Take Out and Coffee

At some point in my life I heard that it is not good to talk baby talk to babies because it really doesn't help their language development. I even went as far as to tell Big Love that it is best that we always use words with Sweet One. Honestly, I had no idea where I had heard it from but I believed it to be from an excellent source and was willing to stick to my guns.

Every day, abc family airs two episodes of Gilmore Girls and 5 per week (mornings being a repeat of the previous day at 5pm) and I'm making my way through. When I need a serious break from self-flagellation and my frustrations with a little girl who won't eat I love turning one of these on. Big Love says I often giggle more during one of the episodes than any other show I watch. I just finished watching "Die, Jerk" (Season 4, Episode 8). Lorelai is visiting Suki and her new baby, makes a few cooey noises and in walks Bruce the midwife to give Lorelai shit for talking baby talk and then lectures her on how babies brains are hardwired early on. This is where I learned not to baby talk to babies in 2003 when it was originally aired!

Quite honestly, I'd love to have a relationship with Sweet One as Lorelai and Rory have (reminding myself this is fiction) and so I pretend I'm 'getting my learnin's on how to be a mom' as I giggle through these episodes. Maybe I can learn to relax a little more with Sweet One and her eating. If Rory survived on pop tarts, take out and coffee I guess it can't be all that bad!

Monkey see, Monkey Do

I wasn't handling it very well. When her mealtime would approach, my stomach clenched and my entire body reacted with such high levels of stress that I thought I was going to lose it. As Sweet One continued to turn her head to pretty much every spoonful of food I would give her, I desperately clung to any ounce of composure and patience that was hiding somewhere. I know damn well that it was the voice with the heavy chinese accent in the back of my head saying how she is too small, if she is waking up in the night it is because she is not eating enough during the day and that even children in India would be staying along the curve at this age.

For a number of days following our 9 month check up, Sweet One ate with vigor. She would scarf down everything I put in front of her face with excitement and delight. The look on her face once her desserts of fruit came out was wonderful. You'd think she was eating a Ferrero Rocher Cheesecake! But once she got sick she stopped wanting to eat. I figured this was par for the course because who really wants to eat when they're sick? My concern came when she started to get better and was eating large bowls of oatmeal and fruit for breakfast but nothing once lunch and dinner came around. I was freaking out inside! Why wasn't this little girl eating? I read about food refusal and knew I'd have to figure out another approach.

Today was overcast and so with Big Love on his day off we decided to go out to lunch. Prior to leaving we attempted to feed Sweet One beets, which she actually ate the night before, and some noodles and parsnip. No luck. As a last minute thought, I put them in her diaper bag as we left the house with her booster seat in tow. Once we were sitting at the restaurant and eating our own food, Sweet One started to take interest in what we were doing and actually ate her beets up! She also ate the parsnip I brought. With this newfound interest in eating I was desperate to find anything for her to eat and so gave her a little bit of haddock meat from my plate. Success! She she seemed to like it.

Suppertime came around and once again Sweet One had no interest in her food. I was in the kitchen trying to get the roasted butternut squash separated from its peel but it was taking much longer than I had anticipated. With more stress in my voice, Big Love decided to take over and I went into the dining room with a bowl of greens for myself. I'm not kidding when I say that as soon as I started eating, Sweet One did too. She even ate the chicken pureed with butternut squash which she wouldn't touch for the past few days! Following that, she seemed to want a neverending supply of homemade pearsauce! Who knew that the simple act of eating with her, rather than after her, would get her to eat.

The relief over this simple concept of getting my daughter to eat is amazing. I was beating myself up for not finding a way to get her to eat and I felt like, once again, I was fucking up. An added bonus is that I will eat more regularly and possibly not find myself starving in the middle of the afternoon! Lets just hope that this will continue to encourage Sweet One to eat.

Proof my husband is full of shit

It is absolutely gorgeous outside. Close to 70F/20C with the sun brilliantly shining. It has also been a better day for Sweet One with two 1.5 hour naps and her fever coming down gradually. I do wish she'd eat more solid foods but I'm just giving her as much as she will eat and that's the best we can do.

Big Love had been putting in extra hours at work for the past week because of a concert he had last night and so decided to come home for a few hours this afternoon. I took the opportunity to mow the lawn and rake some leaves while he played outside with Sweet One. Near the end of our time, Sweet One's soother (yes, if she's sick we let her have it whenever she wants) fell onto the lawn. A minute or two later this conversation happened.

Big Love: "Your soother fell out again. Where did it go?"

mamabird: "You didn't put the soother back in her mouth after it fell on the ground, did you?"

"No."

"Are you saying that so I won't get mad and you actually did?"

"Yes."

"Do you lick the ground?"

"I worship the ground you walk on."

"But would you lick it? The ground."

"If you walked on it I would."

"But would you suck it?"

"If you walked on it I would."

"You're so full of shit."

Honestly, I am not embellishing whatsoever, folks.

How Sweet One affects my dreams

Most of my dreams happen in the morning after Big Love has taken Sweet One downstairs to help me catch a few extra zzz's. This morning my dream found me walking around pregnant with part of the baby pushing and protruding just underneath the right side of my ribcage. It felt as real as I could imagine. I did have minor contractions when I was pregnant but I didn't even know they were contractions until I had some more while hooked up to the monitors shortly before I went into the OR.

Sweet One had another rough night. She didn't really sleep until almost 10:00. Big Love and I were wiped (me especially, many tears were shed that evening) and so we crawled into our bed with her around 9:15 thinking that if we fell asleep first and she followed suit then it would all be ok. She fell asleep first and I put her in her crib. She woke again at 1:45, 3:00 and then 5:45. Often the last one ends up her wake up time and I was pleading with her to sleep. I fed her in our bed and then hoped she would fall asleep. Well, she did. Lying on her back, with her head just below the right side of my rib cage, perpendicular to me so that her butt ended up on the bed to the left of me. We made a bit of a T. I wasn't worried about her comfort because I know that type of position feels great in yoga. But it did answer the question as to why I felt like I was having contractions in my sleep!

Sweet One's first fever

This morning I had an idea for another post and it didn't have anything to do with Sweet One. Crazy! I know. But then the morning happened and she is all I can think of.

Yesterday Sweet One hardly ate. This was weird because ever since we went to her 9 month appointment she's been downing more food than I could believe! So I was worried that she wouldn't sleep through the night asking for food constantly. She went right to sleep at 6:30 and woke up many times. At 9:00 I was giving her sweet potato, peas and pears and she gobbled it up between yawns. At some point I gave her teething tablets because it is possible that the two in the front could be coming in and then around 10:00/10:30 I gave her Tylenol because I suspected something was going on. Big Love thought her head felt normal so I didn't take her temperature. (Minor relief that I would not have to put the thermometer up her butt.) 11:30 she woke up for food and again at 2:15. Finally, she slept until 6:00.

I know these details are probably 'been there done that' for many moms but honestly, up until a few weeks ago this kid was sleeping from 10:00 or so until at least 6:00. It was wonderful and I knew I was fortunate. With the past few weeks finding me waking up at least twice to feed her and her wanting to start he day any time from 5am on, I was starting to wonder what to do.

Big Love took her for the first few hours of the day and then she had another fit-full nap. When I was getting her ready for her second nap her forehead felt a little warm and I had to check her temperature. With an under-the-arm reading of 100.2 I decided that it was time for my first rectal reading. Quite honestly, I was scared that it was going to be uncomfortable for Sweet One but she didn't seem to react well. (I guess a little vaseline can make the experience a little more comfortable.) Thank goodness the digital ones work quickly and told me her temperature was up to 102/103 degrees.

Why I am typing all this about her first fever I'm not quite sure. What I do know for sure is that I was afraid of this happening. For the first two months she was alive I was scared she'd get a fever and have to have a spinal. Then I was simply afraid of her burning up, screaming and us having to have a steamy shower like all those moments I've seen on tv. But the truth of the matter is that it isn't too bad. She's not napping very well but when she does wake up she's still quite cheerful. She gets tired and a little fussy but it isn't that bad. Tylenol has been taken and the Motrin is on its way in case we want to alternate. It's just another bit of mamastuff that I was afraid would be huge but in the end we're taking it a little bit at a time and figuring it out together. Just me and my girl.

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She has just woken up from a productive 10 minute nap! I thought babies sleep like crazy when they're not feeling well. Not mine.